i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
