Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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