you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How does it feel to date your dad?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
