My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
