Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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