I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
