ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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