he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You pole danced in your parka.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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