Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
