If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
