Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
