it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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