I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
