he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Randomize
