i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
