i jhust puked up my retainher.
barbara walters just said penis...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
