She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
