I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize