Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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