Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
