I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
