cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
