Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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