The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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