I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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