You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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