Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize