I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
