I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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