so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
