you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
