you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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