Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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