just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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