I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
