I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize