my phone needs a breathalizer
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize