im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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