One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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