She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
