We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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