This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
