woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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