dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize