Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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