Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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