you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
3 2 1 whiskey
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Come on in and take your pants off
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
