you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
