i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
