That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
