I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize