Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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