Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
