i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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