god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
