that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
And then he peed in my hair
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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