Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
