I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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