apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Be still, my beating vagina.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
