so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
